Water has existed in one form or another for at least seven years, but what if you, like a lot of people (citation needed) are sick of it being clear and boring. Maybe you prefer your water white. Then welcome to milk. And what if you dont like the runny liquid cowardice of regular water and in fact yearn for a solid water. AND NOT ICE! DON’T EVEN MENTION ICE, ICE IS FOR LOSERS AND COMMUNISTS.

Well you are in luck. Welcome to the world of cheese.

Cheese is a brand new solid, non clear water with a world of uses.

Do you need to stick some mushrooms to a pizza base? Cheese.

Is your bread lacking and meagre? Cheese.

Do your children cry because the Wi-Fi is down? Cheese.

Currently cheese is patented and protected for sole production in Lithuania, so do be prepared to spend upwards of $100 (US) a gram. But it is truly worth every expense. Diamonds may be a girls best friend, a dog a mans, but cheese does not adhere to such heteronormative dual gender propaganda.

CHEESE! Even the word is fun to say. Roll it around your mouth. (Cheese roll). Try and say it through gritted teeth as if you’ve just come home and found some rind deep in your wife. Fun isn’t it. Do a handstand and bellow the word. Truly magnificent.

If eating the cheese and saying the word cheese isn’t enough for you and you need more, greedy little scoundrel that you are, it is possible to melt the cheese by applying heat. Heat is available from Robert Dyas, so order yours today, and add to the cheese. Then stick some celery in it. Or your cock. Wild fun.

If you don’t live in the UK then you’re a cuck. But will need to know the word for cheese in other countries. Below is a translation of the word in all 5 languages of the world. AND YES ITS 5, WE’RE NOT COUNTING SPANISH. They know what they did.

French: Cheese. But with an accent over the last e, not available on my keyboard alas.

German: Kase. Or Zweibel. But one of those is onion, I can’t remember which.

Mandarin: eseehC.

Arabic: ?

Portuguese: el cheese.

Now slow down. You’re pretty au fait with cheese now, and thats good. But before you die headlong into this exciting new product we need to discuss that manufacturing process. Despite being a Lithuanian state secret one of our journalists has uncovered the bare bones and a cost of quite a lot of personal freedoms. He lost an arm. can’t really go into it, court case pending and all that, but let’s just say that if a Cornish trawlerman tells you that a bear wants to eat your arm, then just fucking listen to him. He’s not lying.

Making cheese is a four step process. You can try it at home.

1: Get some water, roughly one pint per person who wants to eat cheese. We prefer Evian, but when we asked them to sponsor the article they said no, so maybe buy Buxton, or that one from M and S. Take that Evian.

2: Dehydrate the water. This should leave you with zero water. Once the water is fully dehydrated move to step 3.

3: Stir the dehydrated water with a slotted spoon. Wood or metal. Not one of those weird plastic ones.

4: Heat (again, available from Robert Dyas)

5: Bury for 6 weeks minimum.

Then when you dig it up, cheese.

And that’s it. You are now ready to adventure in cheese. But at your own peril. Actually, forget it, it isnt that good.

Now fuck off

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